Wow! I glanced at the last blog date and realized it has been over a year since I've posted on here! Where does the time go when you're uh, having fun?! I started this blog to share lighthearted stories about the adventures in mommyhood, but with the recent events in my life, I thought I'd expand my "genre" in hopes that you might be encouraged, or, perhaps, encourage ME! :)
In November of 2009, my husband was laid off from his job...one of the many victims of the terrible economic crisis in the U.S. A month away from completing his masters degree, my husband, who also holds a CPA license, never dreamed it would be his turn. Jobs had always come easily to him in the past..a bit too easily, to be honest. Boy, were we about to be humbled.
I found out about his job loss on my way home from a doctor's appointment, during which the doctor had informed me that my oldest son had broken his foot. This came on top of another medical crisis..my younger son had sliced his finger open with a knife three days earlier, cutting through a nerve and a tendon. He would need surgery the following week. Having struggled with my own set of health problems for the past two years, I felt I was literally at the cracking point. So, it may not come as a surprise to you that when my husband delivered the news (via cell phone..as I was pulling out of the doctors parking lot) that I laughed half the way home and then cried the rest of the way. My oldest son simply patted my arm and told me "God wants us to have joy in our trials, remember, Mom?" Pretty impressive coming from a 13 year old. I'm embarrassed to say I had a hard time swallowing his advice. Sure, I knew the verse (James 1) but joy seemed the farthest thing from my mind at the moment. Panic? Yes. Exhaustion? Check. But joy? Not so much.
Its' been four months since that day. My husband is still out of work, without one call back on the dozens of resumes he's sent out. To summarize, it's been a roller coaster ride. One day, I'm up, the next day, I'm down. Some days, it's all I can do to pull my body out of bed. I wish I could tell you that I have tremendous faith, but some days, it feels more like that little mustard seed. I want to see the end result.and I want to see it now! I'm a victim of the microwave society that wants everything fixed in a moment's time. Internet down for five minutes? Let's hope we don't have a heart attack! Three cars in front of us in the Taco Bell drive thru? A litle faster, please! We want to snap our fingers and solve the world's problems, including our own, but sometimes it's not quite as simple as that. You see, there's work to be done. Things God wants to show us. Lessons to be learned. Grace to be found. Joys to be shared. And none of that could be possible if we lived in a perfect world without trials. We want comfortable, but how does one grow when everything's peachy keen 24/7? Boy, if anyone needs work, it's me! Just like a house in the middle of a remodel, I'm a work in progress. Most remodels take longer than expected. The process is sometimes painful, agonizing and frustrating. But the results? Stunning. A few years ago, our friends remodeled their home, nearly doubling the square footage. You can imagine all the work that was involved. The project was expected to take six months but ended up taking two years! It was through much blood, sweat and tears that that house was finally complete. It is beautiful, let me tell you. Granite counters, cherry wood cabinets, an ornately carved front door that sets the stage for what's to come inside. But it wasn't always this way. Dust and nails littered the floor, light fixtures hung half finished from the ceiling, holes in the drywall made one wonder if the house might literally come crumbling down in the process. But in the end, our friends got the beautiful house of their dreams. Oh, the landscaping still has yet to be done. Weeds cover the front and back yard, an afterthought in the process. But the overall project is complete. And if you ask my friends, they'll say it was all worth it.
I like to think my life is something like that remodel. Years ago, I didnt think I needed a remodel. I thought I was just fine the way I was. Life was going along swimmingly, and I was content, comfortable. And that was just the problem, you see. I was comfortable. It was when the trials began to hit...my son's special needs, a health crisis, a devastating move, the loss of a dear friend, the foreclosure of our home, and most recently, a job loss, that that comfy little bubble began to crack. Everything I thought I was and everything I thought I knew was shaken to the core. Oh sure, I knew the verses. I knew the sermons. I knew the songs. I knew what to do, but did I really believe it? Did I really believe God was good, had a plan, cares about our every need, provides for the birds and provides for his kids? Sometimes, I wasn't so sure. I got angry at God, plain mad. One evening, I went out into my garage and threw things at the wall. Before you write me off as crazy, hear me out. It was one of the most exhiliarating things I've done in my life. I picked up everything on the ground that looked invaluable and threw it as hard as I could at the wall. Bam! Bam! Boy, it felt better than kickboxing at the gym! And then, after a few minutes, I took a deep breath, walked back inside and read a bedtime story to my daughter. I never did it again, but I sometimes think about that moment and laugh to myself. A remodel? I need a full demolition, I'm afraid! :)
The good news is, those dust and nails on the ground don't stay there forever. One by one, we pick them up, throw them away and start polishing that new floor. And little by little, we see glimpses of the road ahead, the one that points to hope. A hope that can only come from a God who cares, despite what we think or feel at the moment. Perhaps one of the most exciting things in this process has been to see how God has provided for our family. Sometimes it's in the big things, like a family member helping with our rent. And sometimes it's in the little things, like a free fast food coupon that comes in the mail, or a friend saying "Coffee's on me today." At Christmas time, two different anonymous friends sent sweet cards with money tucked inside. I was truly touched and so thankful for their generosity. My son's youth group paid his way to winter camp a few weeks ago, a huge blessing, as he certainly couldnt have gone without that help. A rebate check from Costco came just in time last week, providing groceries for the week. A group of wonderful strangers at a yard sale found my missing wallet and stuffed money inside and prayed for me (that's another story in itself!) Several companies have asked my husband to come and do contract work for them part time, which has equated to nearly a full time job! Just when we think the work might be drying up, more seems to come. The publishing company I write for has acquired more work the past few weeks, another answer to prayer! The bills are being paid...on time! Only God can take the credit for all that!
Our future hangs before us like a giant question mark. If work does not come eventually, do we pack up and move away? I've always been a planner to some degree. I like to glance at my calendar and know what's going on in three months, six months, even a year from now. But the last few years have shown me that, as the verse says, a man can try to plan his life, but it's God who determines his path. I like to believe I have some control over the situation, that if I only pray harder, trust more, something will soon turn up. I like to think that if I could just see that everything's going to be okay in four months, I could get through the next three.But I forget that's in the waiting that the work is being done. One by one, those old windows are being ripped out, replaced by beautiful, clear ones that shine from across the room. I dont want to be an old window. And if it takes getting dirty and dusty in the process of being replaced, so be it. And so we wait. And trust. And believe. Even when it feels like a mustard seed and a mountain.
The recent Haiti quake didn't just rattle a foreign, impoverished country. It rattled us all. Once again, we were reminded that we aren't in control, that in an instant, our world as we know it can come crashing down. We were reminded that only one thing remains constant, certain, the same. God doesn't waver. He doesn't change. He's still got it all figured out. Nothing is too hard for him. And even when we don't get it, and wind up in the garage throwing old plastic lunch boxes at the wall, he isn't shaken. He's the one sure thing.
In the meantime, I'm riding out the roller coaster, trusting, questioning, wondering, waiting, believing. Up, down, up, down. I joke to my husband that as long as both of us aren't down at the same time we'll be okay. So far, so good. I'm remembering my blessings and taking nothing for granted. Hot water, clothes on our back, a (mostly) running car, four healthy kids? Thank you, God. Simplifying's not such a bad thing either. Who knew a game of Connect Four on a Friday night could be so much fun? And, I admit, I've become rather obsessed with finding deals. The challenge of a bargain holds almost as much thrill as a grande nonfat White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks, and that's saying a lot for a coffee snob like me! Clipping coupons from the Sunday paper is the highlight of my week. Literally. And if you pity me, please don't. I'd take a good yard sale over a Macy's sale any day of the week.
So, in a nutshell, that's my life. I'm a work in progress. You might not want to step inside my doors right now, becuase there's an awful big mess inside. But little by little, God's cleaning it up. Restoring, refinishing, remodeling. Don't you love those "re" words? They hold so much hope! And that, my friends, is what we must hold onto. Hope for tomorrow, hope for a new day, hope because we know that in the end, the finished product will be beautiful. And worth it.
Mar 6, 2010
Feb 14, 2009
Confessions of a Not So Perfect Mommy
1. I sometimes hide in the closet, the pantry or bathroom when things get a bit too hairy at my house. These seem to be the only places I am able to make and carry on phone calls as well. I sometimes bring a book in and stay a while, even if the pounding on the door gets louder and louder. I wish my house was bigger sometimes so there were more places to hide...
2. I am not very good at playing. Meaning, I don't particularly enjoy getting on the ground and zooming Matchbox cars around or dressing up Barbie in a prom gown. I know that I did it as a child, but it was somehow a lot more fun back then. I am, however, a great story reader, so that makes me feel a bit better about my mothering abilities.
3. I get super mad (inside of course) when my kids try to steal a sip of my precious four dollar Starbucks drink or sneak a bite of my Chipotle taco. I share everything with them, and have given up everything from my body to my bed to my sanity..can't a girl have one thing to herself once in a while without feeling guilty?
4. I sometimes let my kids watch too much TV, or play too many computer games. I know, terrible, but they've learned so much..it's practically like sending them to college for free!
5. I sometimes get resentful that I cannot blast my "mommy" music in the car and instead must subject myself to certain, um, tunes. Barney, thankful, has never been one of them, but if I hear "Them Bones" one more time I'm gonna....
6. I grit my teeth when I hear "Mom!!" when I've already tucked my kids into bed and then tucked myself into bed under my comfy covers. I do not want to trudge downstairs to get one more glass of water when I've already "expired." I do, however, sometimes fear that the cry wolf scenario might play out and I might ignore the cries and find someone tied up downstairs when I wake up. But so far, that hasn't happened...
7. I did mention I am a super good story reader, but I will now confess that I sometimes skip words in a story. Lots of words. Like, almost all of them. But now my six year old daughter can read, so I have to be more careful.
8. I never really liked breastfeeding. In fact, I didn't like a minute of it. I never understood the "bonding" everyone talked about. I just felt like a giant milking cow the whole time. My husband wasn't too keen on it either. But, I did it because it was good for them, and it seems to have paid off as they're pretty healthy. So it was worth it, I think...
9. I throw away the kids' Sunday School papers as soon as we get home. Unless, of course, it's a super cute Noah's Ark or a hand printed Valentine or something special. But honestly, what's a mother to do with a zillion coloring pages? Even Grandma's fridge is getting too full...
10. I am sometimes still in awe that God thought me fit to raise four beautiful kiddos. I feel so humbled sometimes when I think about all my shortcomings. This is where his amazing grace comes in, which I'm eternally thankful!
P.S. I love my kids to death. This, I must confess! :)
2. I am not very good at playing. Meaning, I don't particularly enjoy getting on the ground and zooming Matchbox cars around or dressing up Barbie in a prom gown. I know that I did it as a child, but it was somehow a lot more fun back then. I am, however, a great story reader, so that makes me feel a bit better about my mothering abilities.
3. I get super mad (inside of course) when my kids try to steal a sip of my precious four dollar Starbucks drink or sneak a bite of my Chipotle taco. I share everything with them, and have given up everything from my body to my bed to my sanity..can't a girl have one thing to herself once in a while without feeling guilty?
4. I sometimes let my kids watch too much TV, or play too many computer games. I know, terrible, but they've learned so much..it's practically like sending them to college for free!
5. I sometimes get resentful that I cannot blast my "mommy" music in the car and instead must subject myself to certain, um, tunes. Barney, thankful, has never been one of them, but if I hear "Them Bones" one more time I'm gonna....
6. I grit my teeth when I hear "Mom!!" when I've already tucked my kids into bed and then tucked myself into bed under my comfy covers. I do not want to trudge downstairs to get one more glass of water when I've already "expired." I do, however, sometimes fear that the cry wolf scenario might play out and I might ignore the cries and find someone tied up downstairs when I wake up. But so far, that hasn't happened...
7. I did mention I am a super good story reader, but I will now confess that I sometimes skip words in a story. Lots of words. Like, almost all of them. But now my six year old daughter can read, so I have to be more careful.
8. I never really liked breastfeeding. In fact, I didn't like a minute of it. I never understood the "bonding" everyone talked about. I just felt like a giant milking cow the whole time. My husband wasn't too keen on it either. But, I did it because it was good for them, and it seems to have paid off as they're pretty healthy. So it was worth it, I think...
9. I throw away the kids' Sunday School papers as soon as we get home. Unless, of course, it's a super cute Noah's Ark or a hand printed Valentine or something special. But honestly, what's a mother to do with a zillion coloring pages? Even Grandma's fridge is getting too full...
10. I am sometimes still in awe that God thought me fit to raise four beautiful kiddos. I feel so humbled sometimes when I think about all my shortcomings. This is where his amazing grace comes in, which I'm eternally thankful!
P.S. I love my kids to death. This, I must confess! :)
Oct 27, 2008
My Guilt Free Holiday Season
The holidays are just around the corner, and as the panic starts to rise inside of me at the thought of digging the Christmas decorations out of the dusty closet in the garage (I never did find the fall ones..is it too late for those?) I refuse to let the guilt get ahold of me this year. Therefore, before any of the madness even starts, I will make myself some guilt-free rules.
1. I will not beat myself up because I don't know how to make those cutesie little bows on top of packages, even though I was hired as a gift wrapper at a department store years ago and had an employee show me over and over how to make them. My presents may be simply wrapped (or gift bagged, for that matter!) but I will remember that it is the gift inside that matters, not the packaging.
2. I will not spend hours trying to get the perfect family photo to send out to friends and family (ie: the photo in which all six family members are matched to the tee, smiling, standing up straight, and arranged in front of the Fashion Island Christmas tree) If I have to use a family photo from the beach this summer in which we are all sandy and mussy-haired but accounted for, I will do so.
3. I will not fret about baking twelve dozen cookies for the annual cookie exhange this year. If I do muster the energy to bake myself into an oblivion, I will not feel bad if mine are not the prettiest on the table and/or if they are the bar kind you can cut into teeny little pieces.
4. I will not spend hours at the mall, Target, etc in search of the perfect gift for each person on my list. I will do my best, but if I have to resign to online and catalog shopping, so be it. And if the perfect gift cannot be found within reason, I will remind myself that the people on my list should love me just as I am, not for the gifts I might buy them.
5. I will not let it be the end of the world if I have to settle for an e-mailed Christmas card this year, as the thought of licking 75 envelopes, addressing them by hand and purchasing stamps seems a bit daunting. (Thank you, facebook, blogs and the like. You can all see my family at their finest on your computer and save it forever)
6. I will not worry if my house is not picture perfect when the family arrives, or if there are dust bunnies under the guest bed and crumbs on the floor. The most important thing is spending time with those we love, not impressing them, right??
7. I will not feel bad if we don't eat on our Christmas china or make hot cocoa in those adorable glass snowman mugs I have because I simply don't feel like doing four loads of dishes. Paper plates are a wonderful invention, and even come in festive colors. Though, if we eat on plain white, I won't bat an eye at it either.
8. I will not cry if we have to set up the fake Christmas tree instead of trekking up to the mountains or the Home Depot parking lot in search of a perfectly symmetrical pine tree. Fake trees can be decorated nicely these days, and some even come with a fresh pine scent. No fire hazard included.
9. I will not fret if I have to wear the same black dress I wore to the annual work Christmas party last year. I will remind myself that I am being economical and practical, that no one will really care what I wear anyway, and that I should be thankful it still fits after my dive into the fudge tin last Christmas.
10. I will not, under any circumstances, bear any guilt if I regift a present this year. (Don't worry, it won't be yours. )
1. I will not beat myself up because I don't know how to make those cutesie little bows on top of packages, even though I was hired as a gift wrapper at a department store years ago and had an employee show me over and over how to make them. My presents may be simply wrapped (or gift bagged, for that matter!) but I will remember that it is the gift inside that matters, not the packaging.
2. I will not spend hours trying to get the perfect family photo to send out to friends and family (ie: the photo in which all six family members are matched to the tee, smiling, standing up straight, and arranged in front of the Fashion Island Christmas tree) If I have to use a family photo from the beach this summer in which we are all sandy and mussy-haired but accounted for, I will do so.
3. I will not fret about baking twelve dozen cookies for the annual cookie exhange this year. If I do muster the energy to bake myself into an oblivion, I will not feel bad if mine are not the prettiest on the table and/or if they are the bar kind you can cut into teeny little pieces.
4. I will not spend hours at the mall, Target, etc in search of the perfect gift for each person on my list. I will do my best, but if I have to resign to online and catalog shopping, so be it. And if the perfect gift cannot be found within reason, I will remind myself that the people on my list should love me just as I am, not for the gifts I might buy them.
5. I will not let it be the end of the world if I have to settle for an e-mailed Christmas card this year, as the thought of licking 75 envelopes, addressing them by hand and purchasing stamps seems a bit daunting. (Thank you, facebook, blogs and the like. You can all see my family at their finest on your computer and save it forever)
6. I will not worry if my house is not picture perfect when the family arrives, or if there are dust bunnies under the guest bed and crumbs on the floor. The most important thing is spending time with those we love, not impressing them, right??
7. I will not feel bad if we don't eat on our Christmas china or make hot cocoa in those adorable glass snowman mugs I have because I simply don't feel like doing four loads of dishes. Paper plates are a wonderful invention, and even come in festive colors. Though, if we eat on plain white, I won't bat an eye at it either.
8. I will not cry if we have to set up the fake Christmas tree instead of trekking up to the mountains or the Home Depot parking lot in search of a perfectly symmetrical pine tree. Fake trees can be decorated nicely these days, and some even come with a fresh pine scent. No fire hazard included.
9. I will not fret if I have to wear the same black dress I wore to the annual work Christmas party last year. I will remind myself that I am being economical and practical, that no one will really care what I wear anyway, and that I should be thankful it still fits after my dive into the fudge tin last Christmas.
10. I will not, under any circumstances, bear any guilt if I regift a present this year. (Don't worry, it won't be yours. )
Sep 12, 2008
On the other side now..or somewhere in between...
I had a small epiphane today in Target, of all places. I was passing the baby aisles, and for the first time in what seems like ages, I kept on going! Yup, no baby wipes to buy, no diapers in bulk, no bibs, baby spoons, teensie rattles, rash ointment...you name it, don't need it! Whew! What a strange feeling! Four kids and one tubal ligation later, my baby years are officially behind me. I should have been thrilled for this moment, should have literally stopped mid tracks in Target and done a cartwheel or two. But to be honest, I felt a twinge of sadness as I steered away from the diapers. I paused, racking my brain to think of someone I could buy diapers for. Or anything baby. Those teeny overalls are simply irresistible! And those chenille baby blankets? I want one in my size, please! Alas, no one came to mind. All of my friends, you see, are past their baby years too. What a strange feeling! Years of going to showers, oohing and aahing over pink baby booties and flowered dresses and tiny velcro hair bows...poof..over! Sleepless nights covered in baby spit up and crusty breast milk...gone! Again, you'd think I'd be jumping for joy, and truly, I have no desire to don those nasty nursing pads or DD nursing bras anymore, thank you. But right there in Target, for just a second, I actually missed it. All of it. The weary, bleary days of pushing the double stroller through those very aisles, absentmindedly grabbing for any generic pack of diapers that seemed to remotely fit my child. Frantically juggling a crying baby and screaming toddler at the check out line as I plopped my coupons down on the counter and fished for my Visa card in a sweat. Staggering out to the parking lot, breathing heavily, near panic attack, only to sit there for a good half an hour while the ice cream melted in the trunk as I nursed my howling, hungry baby. Turning up the radio to drown out the noise as I sped on home, praying that someone, anyone would fall asleep, and wishing at the same time that someone could be me!! Yes, I miss those days...maybe just a bit. Not enough to return, but enough to look back with fondness, laughter, and tears. The kindly woman at the check out line who gently tapped my shoulder and said "It goes so quickly, dear" was so right. With three kids in school, I now have time to actually saunter over to the Starbucks counter, ponder my options for more than two seconds, and enjoy a hot cup of coffee at my leisure before I begin my shopping. There is no wailing baby in the car seat strapped to the cart, no leaking boobs in the shoe aisle, no need to buy diapers, wipes...did I already say that?? And so I enter a new phase of my life. Not quite an "old" mom, but not so new anymore. Seasoned, I guess you could say, considering my oldest just started junior high. Not seasoned enough, though, that I can resist calling my mother in tears when my youngest wets his pants at Disneyland on the train ride. Not seasoned enough that I can safely say the temper tantrum days are behind me. No, I'm just hanging out somewhere in between. Reminiscing, enjoying, looking forward. Someday, these days too will be behind me. I'm thankful I'm now sane enough to enjoy them.
Sep 8, 2008
Journeys
Okay, so I am a bit addicted to Facebook. I didnt think I would ever get caught up in something like that, but it is actually pretty cool! I've found old friends and new alike, and come to discover that it's a great way to stay connected. Plus, it seems a bit more, shall we say, adult? than myspace. Or at least that is what I tell myself when I'm chatting away with my friends at midnight online!
One of the most interesting things about it is finding out where people ended up and what they are doing. I recently found one of my childhood best friends on there. She ended up becoming a chef, which didn't surprise me in the least, as growing up, her step dad was the most fabulous cook I'd ever met. She is married and has three kids and lives in Oregon. Another friend from junior high turned out to be a chemist (I always knew she was smart!) and is now getting her PhD in Europe! Wow! Puts me to shame!
As I think about these different friends, it strikes me as amazing at the different journeys we all ended up taking. As children, we were all the same, for the most part. We spent our days running through the sprinklers and licking Popsicles made from Tupperware molds, and crossed our fingers for a decent grade on our science fair project. We had crushes, made friendships in 2.2 seconds on the playground, and hoped for our favorite teacher each year. We had pesky siblings, watched Disney movies at sleep overs while rolling our hair in big curlers, and tried to not act too cool when we shaved our legs for the first time.
Now, here we are in our thirties, some of us with children, some not, some married, some not, some living on opposite sides of the States, and even the world! Who would have ever guessed these things growing up? Who could have known?
I, for one, knew I wanted to write since the first grade. My teacher told my mother I was an aspiring writer, and that was that. I never wanted to be anything else. I wanted to get married, and have two girls and a boy. I hadnt a clue the twists and turns life would take me on as my future unfolded.
The girl in the silly pink curlers at the slumber party didn't know she'd find herself a single mom at the age of 19, when most kids are still deciding on junior college. The girl in the Taco Bell uniform (yup, that was me, thank you very much!) hadn't a clue that one day she'd meet her husband on the Internet of all places, and wind up in a whirlwind romance that began on a pier in San Francisco and ended up in southern California. And the girl who dreamed about two little girls and a boy? Well, not quite. Three boys and one girl later (thanks to lots of prayer!) I got my sweet little red head and a car full of stinky soccer cleats!
Journeys. Where we begin, where we end up. My journey continued as the Lord led us to Arizona and then back nearly three years later. I found myself in a desert place, literally and spiritually, wondering if perhaps we'd made the biggest mistake of our lives. And then understanding, of course, that there are no mistakes, that God has already designed our journey for us. He's ridden ahead, paved the path, completely aware of each twist and turn our lives will take. Knowing he's a few paces ahead helps me keep focused on the path I'm on, even if I don't always know where I'm headed.
I don't know where I'll be in two years. Five years. Ten years. I knew a woman who plans her life ten years at a time. How can you, really? Sure, we can plan, we can dream, we can assume, but only the Lord holds the map.
Just tonight, I made plans that went terribly awry. I had evey intention of going some place that I very much wanted to go, and things did not go as planned. If you'd asked me this morning where I would be tonight, it wouldnt have been where I sit right now. The old me might have been disraught over this. And I admit, I am a tad disappointed. Okay, a lot. But it was not meant to be.
Not knowing where we're going is almost more exciting than knowing where we're going. Not knowing keeps us relying on God, the one who has no beginning, no end. Our future lies in his hands. The journey has just begun!
One of the most interesting things about it is finding out where people ended up and what they are doing. I recently found one of my childhood best friends on there. She ended up becoming a chef, which didn't surprise me in the least, as growing up, her step dad was the most fabulous cook I'd ever met. She is married and has three kids and lives in Oregon. Another friend from junior high turned out to be a chemist (I always knew she was smart!) and is now getting her PhD in Europe! Wow! Puts me to shame!
As I think about these different friends, it strikes me as amazing at the different journeys we all ended up taking. As children, we were all the same, for the most part. We spent our days running through the sprinklers and licking Popsicles made from Tupperware molds, and crossed our fingers for a decent grade on our science fair project. We had crushes, made friendships in 2.2 seconds on the playground, and hoped for our favorite teacher each year. We had pesky siblings, watched Disney movies at sleep overs while rolling our hair in big curlers, and tried to not act too cool when we shaved our legs for the first time.
Now, here we are in our thirties, some of us with children, some not, some married, some not, some living on opposite sides of the States, and even the world! Who would have ever guessed these things growing up? Who could have known?
I, for one, knew I wanted to write since the first grade. My teacher told my mother I was an aspiring writer, and that was that. I never wanted to be anything else. I wanted to get married, and have two girls and a boy. I hadnt a clue the twists and turns life would take me on as my future unfolded.
The girl in the silly pink curlers at the slumber party didn't know she'd find herself a single mom at the age of 19, when most kids are still deciding on junior college. The girl in the Taco Bell uniform (yup, that was me, thank you very much!) hadn't a clue that one day she'd meet her husband on the Internet of all places, and wind up in a whirlwind romance that began on a pier in San Francisco and ended up in southern California. And the girl who dreamed about two little girls and a boy? Well, not quite. Three boys and one girl later (thanks to lots of prayer!) I got my sweet little red head and a car full of stinky soccer cleats!
Journeys. Where we begin, where we end up. My journey continued as the Lord led us to Arizona and then back nearly three years later. I found myself in a desert place, literally and spiritually, wondering if perhaps we'd made the biggest mistake of our lives. And then understanding, of course, that there are no mistakes, that God has already designed our journey for us. He's ridden ahead, paved the path, completely aware of each twist and turn our lives will take. Knowing he's a few paces ahead helps me keep focused on the path I'm on, even if I don't always know where I'm headed.
I don't know where I'll be in two years. Five years. Ten years. I knew a woman who plans her life ten years at a time. How can you, really? Sure, we can plan, we can dream, we can assume, but only the Lord holds the map.
Just tonight, I made plans that went terribly awry. I had evey intention of going some place that I very much wanted to go, and things did not go as planned. If you'd asked me this morning where I would be tonight, it wouldnt have been where I sit right now. The old me might have been disraught over this. And I admit, I am a tad disappointed. Okay, a lot. But it was not meant to be.
Not knowing where we're going is almost more exciting than knowing where we're going. Not knowing keeps us relying on God, the one who has no beginning, no end. Our future lies in his hands. The journey has just begun!
Jul 28, 2008
Lessons along the way
So I'll be 32 next week. Not a big deal, depending on who you talk to. My "middle aged" friends tell me I'm a baby, my younger friends like to remind me that I'm "getting up there". It does seem hard to believe that nearly 15 years have passed since I graduated high school. I still don't quite feel like an adult, though I suppose I should having four kids! I'm still as carefree as ever, but life has grown me up a bit, especially in the last couple of (rather rough) years! As I reflect on the past couple decades of my life, I realize I have learned quite a bit. Thanks to older and wiser folks, my precious children, life experience, and of course, God himself! Just a few things I've learned along the way:
1. Life sucks sometimes. I don't know how else to put it. I think it would make a great book title, actually. Life can be a real drag once in a while. We've all been through super sucky stuff! I grew up rather naieve, assuming that once I had a family of my own and could do things "my way" things would all fall into place and there would be no more problems. Ha! I was pretty cluess back then, to say the least! Instead of whining about it, I've learned to adjust my perspective. And of course, rely on God. Which brings me to number two:
2. People are not always constant, but God is. I knew all my life that God was constant, but realizing how often people let us down is a great reminder of just how constant God really is. He never leaves, never fails, never changes. I'm a dreamer. I like to believe things will always be good, that people will always be there, but let's face it...life doesn't always allow for that. Six moves later, I finally figured it out. People come in and out of our lives like a revolving door, but God remains put. Which brings me to number three:
3. Sometimes friendships are just for a season. My friend Jeanine reminded me of that this summer. I'm a loyal person by default. Be my friend, and watch out, I'm here for life. You'll have to try awfully hard to get rid of me. :) But because of the ever changing seasons of our lives, sometimes people are only in them for a short while. I have a handful of friends I've had since childhood, which I think is pretty good these days. Then I have my mommy friends, which mainly came from MOPS over the years. I've stayed in touch with a few of them, but many of them drifted in and out of my life like the tide. I'm okay with that. At the time, we were in the same place (usually that place was in the back of the room at MOPS, changing diapers or nursing on the floor together, or, hey Jen, nursing babies under blankets flapping in the wind at the park while trying to chase our toddlers up the slide!) Now my kids are getting older, and three out of four will be in school next year! I'm not so needy of the playgroups and such as I was a couple years ago. My life is changing, and so are other people's. Instead of grieving, I am learning to embrace it, to keep my eyes open for new friendships, and be thankful for them, no matter how long or short they last.
4. It's okay to be okay with yourself. Took me a looong time to realize this. I was super short growing up, always wanted to be at least six inches taller. My dad always said boys liked short girls, but I suspect he said that just to make me feel good. I finally discovered high heels, and got over it. I still wish my legs were longer, my lips fuller, my skin smoother, my uh, chest bigger. But as I get older, I realize that I don't much care what other people look like, and I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual. Just yesterday I spent a day at an outdoor spa, where hundreds of women of all ages and shapes and sizes wandered the pools. Seeing a fifty year old woman in a bikini gave me a newfound confidence. I'm sure she's acknowledged her jiggly parts, but she's come to terms with them. And so have I. For the most part. Of course, appearance is only one factor. I'm also learning to be okay with the rest of myself. The person who will never, ever have a completely immaculate house, who will never be able to find her keys at a moments notice, who continues to burn cookies each time she makes them because she refuses to set the timer or completely forgets about them baking all together. So I'm a bit scatterbrained. But I'm okay with that. (So long as I don't lose my children...that I havent done yet! :) I do other things that make up for that. I think I'm pretty good at concocting meals without using a recipe, I play the piano pretty decently, and I keep up a good sense of humor that gets me through life. Oh, and I'm a child of God, which means I'm okay just the way I am, because it's how He made me! And that is okay.
5. My mother is really cool. Growing up, my mother and I didnt get along a lot of the time. I thought she was too rigid, she thought I was too free spirited. And I couldnt sew a button to save my life, which devastated her, I'm sure, as she could whip out a bridal gown with some thread and a needle in a matter of hours if she wanted to. But now that I'm grown with kids of my own, I see just how great she really is, how fun she can be, and what a great listener she is. We still have our differences, but I love her more than ever, and thank God for her in my life. I can't count how many times I've called her for a recipe, a piece of advice, a house cleaning question, or just simply to vent. And she's always there. A friend of the best kind.
6. It's okay to be real. I was never much for putting on a facade to begin with, but life has a way of sort of beating you up, making you question if you should wear your heart on your sleeve. We've all spilled our guts to someone, only to have them either blab it to someone else or brush us off in our dire straits. I now realize that it is definitely okay to be real, but we don't need to be completely transparent with anyone. We can be choosy about those we open up to and those we remain surfacy with. Good rule of thumb: if they don't ask, don't tell. As my wise friend Missy said once "Everyone doesn't need to know everything about me." Husbands are great, but any woman knows she needs her gal pals for a true heart to heart, especially when it comes to topics of feminine hygeine, bathing suit bulges, and PMS. Being real can mean being accountable, which is especially important as Christians. But spilling our guts can leave us vulnerable, so being careful who we share with isn't being snobby..it's being wise.
7.It's okay to do nothing sometimes. I learned this lesson the hard way these past few months when I got so sick. I had no choice but to do literally nothing at times! My eyes hurt so badly I couldnt even read a book, one of my favorite pasttimes! So I took naps, listened to sermons on the internet, prayed, took long baths, and called friends I hadn't talked to in months. And it felt good! I used to feel guilty if I (heaven forbid!) stopped moving for even a moment of the day. Resting meant something around the house wasn't getting done. Now I realize much of this guilt was self induced. My husband wasnt telling me to do more, my kids weren't telling me to do more, my friends weren't telling me to do more. If anything, they were all happy for me for resting after what feels like years of living in a whirlwind! These days, I know it's okay if the dishes don't get done, or the laundry doesnt get put away. No one ever died from eating hot dogs and canned Ravioli three nights in a row.
8. Most exciting things are really not that exciting at all. I used to try to plan these lavish vacations for the family, assuming my kids would be utterly bored if we didnt fill up every minute of the day with energizing activities. Then I realized they were perfectly content digging in the sand, throwing a ball around, rolling on the grass, telling silly stories, and twirling on a tire swing. Viola! Money saved and happy kids, which means everyone wins! We live in a world that practically demands that we schedule ourselves silly. Have a fifteen minute block of spare time? Yikes! Hurry and fill it up! Surely you can squeeze two more things in! Sure, I'm into the whole soccer thing, and I think music lessons are pretty cool. But sometimes just sitting at home watching a cartoon or making a fort out of pillows is just as much fun, if not more!
9. Taking care of myself is not being selfish. Ahh...it's the ultimate mommy mantra: But I have no time for myself...I have to put the kids first! We can't be good mommies if we can't even take care of our basic needs. I learned this lesson, again, the hard way this past year. I reaonsed I could not "find time" to eat, so my blood sugar got so low the doc said she was amazed I didnt go into a coma. Not good! I took a good look at myself in the mirror and winced. Years of skipping the sunscreen on my face "becuase I didnt have time" has left me with more sun damage than I care to discuss. My hair has six inches of split ends because I never "find the time" to make an appointment at the salon. And my clothes? Let's not even talk about them! If I didnt get them off the Target clearance rack, they most likely came from a garage sale and sport holes and stains on them. Yikes! I'm not saying I feel led to spend thousands of dollars trying to doll myself up, but it wouldnt hurt to make a trip to the dentist and the hair salon every now and then. And what's wrong with having a few new outfits to feel good about? Yes, I splurged on a $150 pair of 7 jeans last year. But they made me feel like a million bucks, even if I paired them with a three dollar tank top from Target. Happy, healthy mommy equals happy, healthy kids. Or at least that's the idea.
10. Marriage is worth it. I'll be honest. I dont like my husband a hundred percent of the time. Maybe not even ninety percent of the time. But all in all, he's a great guy, and definitely worth keeping. I've seen a lot of marriages fail in the past few years, mostly because one or both decided to give up. It breaks my heart, but in an age that says "If it doesnt work for you, be done with it!" I'm not surprised. Thankfully, God is for marriage! He wants us to succeed! Sadly, Satan is not. He'd love nothing more than to get into each of our homes and destroy. He tried pretty hard when we were in Arizona. I remember one day looking sadly at my husband in bed and wondering why on earth he hadnt left me already. We were just NOT getting along! Thankfully, God is so kind, patient and merciful. He gently steered us back in the right direction, and today we're doing great! (Most of the time) I still get irritated when he leaves his socks on the ground, or even worse, throws his used floss on the carpet instead of the trash (He would kill me if he knew I was revealing this!) But I've learned to deal. I've seen a friend lose her husband, and I'm sure she would give anything today to have him leave his socks on the ground. Marriage can be fun and exciting! My parents are just now renewing their marriage, enjoying each other's company with an empty nest, and traveling to Hawaii after 30 years of talking about it! They are a picture of hope, because there was a time when things weren't super terrific between them. I'm in it for the long haul, because it's worth it.
11. Chocolate, not diamonds, is a girls best friend. I never was much into diamonds. I lost my diamond ring a couple years ago, which was devastating, but if I never get another one, I'll live. Living without chocolate, however, is not an option. Thankfully, it's a tad cheaper than the shiny gem, and comes in many forms. Any works for me. Candy, ice cream, chunk, dark, milk, white, chip, you name it, I'll eat it. Especially two days before my period. Bless, bless, bless the person who discovered the cocoa bean. May they have a special reward in heaven.
12. I'm not done learning. I'm only 32. Assuming I don't overdose on chocolate, I might be around for a few more years. I'm sure I'll have many more lessons to learn along the way. And that's good. Living means learning, and learning means living. I'll take the good with the bad. Because it's worth it.
1. Life sucks sometimes. I don't know how else to put it. I think it would make a great book title, actually. Life can be a real drag once in a while. We've all been through super sucky stuff! I grew up rather naieve, assuming that once I had a family of my own and could do things "my way" things would all fall into place and there would be no more problems. Ha! I was pretty cluess back then, to say the least! Instead of whining about it, I've learned to adjust my perspective. And of course, rely on God. Which brings me to number two:
2. People are not always constant, but God is. I knew all my life that God was constant, but realizing how often people let us down is a great reminder of just how constant God really is. He never leaves, never fails, never changes. I'm a dreamer. I like to believe things will always be good, that people will always be there, but let's face it...life doesn't always allow for that. Six moves later, I finally figured it out. People come in and out of our lives like a revolving door, but God remains put. Which brings me to number three:
3. Sometimes friendships are just for a season. My friend Jeanine reminded me of that this summer. I'm a loyal person by default. Be my friend, and watch out, I'm here for life. You'll have to try awfully hard to get rid of me. :) But because of the ever changing seasons of our lives, sometimes people are only in them for a short while. I have a handful of friends I've had since childhood, which I think is pretty good these days. Then I have my mommy friends, which mainly came from MOPS over the years. I've stayed in touch with a few of them, but many of them drifted in and out of my life like the tide. I'm okay with that. At the time, we were in the same place (usually that place was in the back of the room at MOPS, changing diapers or nursing on the floor together, or, hey Jen, nursing babies under blankets flapping in the wind at the park while trying to chase our toddlers up the slide!) Now my kids are getting older, and three out of four will be in school next year! I'm not so needy of the playgroups and such as I was a couple years ago. My life is changing, and so are other people's. Instead of grieving, I am learning to embrace it, to keep my eyes open for new friendships, and be thankful for them, no matter how long or short they last.
4. It's okay to be okay with yourself. Took me a looong time to realize this. I was super short growing up, always wanted to be at least six inches taller. My dad always said boys liked short girls, but I suspect he said that just to make me feel good. I finally discovered high heels, and got over it. I still wish my legs were longer, my lips fuller, my skin smoother, my uh, chest bigger. But as I get older, I realize that I don't much care what other people look like, and I'm pretty sure the feeling's mutual. Just yesterday I spent a day at an outdoor spa, where hundreds of women of all ages and shapes and sizes wandered the pools. Seeing a fifty year old woman in a bikini gave me a newfound confidence. I'm sure she's acknowledged her jiggly parts, but she's come to terms with them. And so have I. For the most part. Of course, appearance is only one factor. I'm also learning to be okay with the rest of myself. The person who will never, ever have a completely immaculate house, who will never be able to find her keys at a moments notice, who continues to burn cookies each time she makes them because she refuses to set the timer or completely forgets about them baking all together. So I'm a bit scatterbrained. But I'm okay with that. (So long as I don't lose my children...that I havent done yet! :) I do other things that make up for that. I think I'm pretty good at concocting meals without using a recipe, I play the piano pretty decently, and I keep up a good sense of humor that gets me through life. Oh, and I'm a child of God, which means I'm okay just the way I am, because it's how He made me! And that is okay.
5. My mother is really cool. Growing up, my mother and I didnt get along a lot of the time. I thought she was too rigid, she thought I was too free spirited. And I couldnt sew a button to save my life, which devastated her, I'm sure, as she could whip out a bridal gown with some thread and a needle in a matter of hours if she wanted to. But now that I'm grown with kids of my own, I see just how great she really is, how fun she can be, and what a great listener she is. We still have our differences, but I love her more than ever, and thank God for her in my life. I can't count how many times I've called her for a recipe, a piece of advice, a house cleaning question, or just simply to vent. And she's always there. A friend of the best kind.
6. It's okay to be real. I was never much for putting on a facade to begin with, but life has a way of sort of beating you up, making you question if you should wear your heart on your sleeve. We've all spilled our guts to someone, only to have them either blab it to someone else or brush us off in our dire straits. I now realize that it is definitely okay to be real, but we don't need to be completely transparent with anyone. We can be choosy about those we open up to and those we remain surfacy with. Good rule of thumb: if they don't ask, don't tell. As my wise friend Missy said once "Everyone doesn't need to know everything about me." Husbands are great, but any woman knows she needs her gal pals for a true heart to heart, especially when it comes to topics of feminine hygeine, bathing suit bulges, and PMS. Being real can mean being accountable, which is especially important as Christians. But spilling our guts can leave us vulnerable, so being careful who we share with isn't being snobby..it's being wise.
7.It's okay to do nothing sometimes. I learned this lesson the hard way these past few months when I got so sick. I had no choice but to do literally nothing at times! My eyes hurt so badly I couldnt even read a book, one of my favorite pasttimes! So I took naps, listened to sermons on the internet, prayed, took long baths, and called friends I hadn't talked to in months. And it felt good! I used to feel guilty if I (heaven forbid!) stopped moving for even a moment of the day. Resting meant something around the house wasn't getting done. Now I realize much of this guilt was self induced. My husband wasnt telling me to do more, my kids weren't telling me to do more, my friends weren't telling me to do more. If anything, they were all happy for me for resting after what feels like years of living in a whirlwind! These days, I know it's okay if the dishes don't get done, or the laundry doesnt get put away. No one ever died from eating hot dogs and canned Ravioli three nights in a row.
8. Most exciting things are really not that exciting at all. I used to try to plan these lavish vacations for the family, assuming my kids would be utterly bored if we didnt fill up every minute of the day with energizing activities. Then I realized they were perfectly content digging in the sand, throwing a ball around, rolling on the grass, telling silly stories, and twirling on a tire swing. Viola! Money saved and happy kids, which means everyone wins! We live in a world that practically demands that we schedule ourselves silly. Have a fifteen minute block of spare time? Yikes! Hurry and fill it up! Surely you can squeeze two more things in! Sure, I'm into the whole soccer thing, and I think music lessons are pretty cool. But sometimes just sitting at home watching a cartoon or making a fort out of pillows is just as much fun, if not more!
9. Taking care of myself is not being selfish. Ahh...it's the ultimate mommy mantra: But I have no time for myself...I have to put the kids first! We can't be good mommies if we can't even take care of our basic needs. I learned this lesson, again, the hard way this past year. I reaonsed I could not "find time" to eat, so my blood sugar got so low the doc said she was amazed I didnt go into a coma. Not good! I took a good look at myself in the mirror and winced. Years of skipping the sunscreen on my face "becuase I didnt have time" has left me with more sun damage than I care to discuss. My hair has six inches of split ends because I never "find the time" to make an appointment at the salon. And my clothes? Let's not even talk about them! If I didnt get them off the Target clearance rack, they most likely came from a garage sale and sport holes and stains on them. Yikes! I'm not saying I feel led to spend thousands of dollars trying to doll myself up, but it wouldnt hurt to make a trip to the dentist and the hair salon every now and then. And what's wrong with having a few new outfits to feel good about? Yes, I splurged on a $150 pair of 7 jeans last year. But they made me feel like a million bucks, even if I paired them with a three dollar tank top from Target. Happy, healthy mommy equals happy, healthy kids. Or at least that's the idea.
10. Marriage is worth it. I'll be honest. I dont like my husband a hundred percent of the time. Maybe not even ninety percent of the time. But all in all, he's a great guy, and definitely worth keeping. I've seen a lot of marriages fail in the past few years, mostly because one or both decided to give up. It breaks my heart, but in an age that says "If it doesnt work for you, be done with it!" I'm not surprised. Thankfully, God is for marriage! He wants us to succeed! Sadly, Satan is not. He'd love nothing more than to get into each of our homes and destroy. He tried pretty hard when we were in Arizona. I remember one day looking sadly at my husband in bed and wondering why on earth he hadnt left me already. We were just NOT getting along! Thankfully, God is so kind, patient and merciful. He gently steered us back in the right direction, and today we're doing great! (Most of the time) I still get irritated when he leaves his socks on the ground, or even worse, throws his used floss on the carpet instead of the trash (He would kill me if he knew I was revealing this!) But I've learned to deal. I've seen a friend lose her husband, and I'm sure she would give anything today to have him leave his socks on the ground. Marriage can be fun and exciting! My parents are just now renewing their marriage, enjoying each other's company with an empty nest, and traveling to Hawaii after 30 years of talking about it! They are a picture of hope, because there was a time when things weren't super terrific between them. I'm in it for the long haul, because it's worth it.
11. Chocolate, not diamonds, is a girls best friend. I never was much into diamonds. I lost my diamond ring a couple years ago, which was devastating, but if I never get another one, I'll live. Living without chocolate, however, is not an option. Thankfully, it's a tad cheaper than the shiny gem, and comes in many forms. Any works for me. Candy, ice cream, chunk, dark, milk, white, chip, you name it, I'll eat it. Especially two days before my period. Bless, bless, bless the person who discovered the cocoa bean. May they have a special reward in heaven.
12. I'm not done learning. I'm only 32. Assuming I don't overdose on chocolate, I might be around for a few more years. I'm sure I'll have many more lessons to learn along the way. And that's good. Living means learning, and learning means living. I'll take the good with the bad. Because it's worth it.
Jul 8, 2008
The Little Things
If you're like me, you tend to feel sorry for yourself every now and then. You know, the house is in shambles, the kids aren't behaving too well, your hair won't lay flat, your skin looks like it belongs on an adolescent kids' face, and your hubby is grumpy because you're grumpy. To help me get out of my periodic slumps, I began keeping a list on the computer entitled "The Little Things." This was suggested to me years ago by a wise older woman in my MOPS group. She suggested we keep a Happy Box, in which we could include thank you notes, birthday cards, funny cartoons, things our kids said that made us laugh, etc. The Happy Box was meant to come out when we had a bad day and couldnt find anything to be thankful for. Because I'm not organized to have a box at this point in my life, I'm settling for a list. Today, my list consists of the following:
1. When I went into the new coffee shop down the street, I got a free panini sandwich because the owner was testing their new machine and wanted my opinion. It was my favorite, turkey swiss, was delicious, and best of all, FREE! Talk about being in the right place at the right time.
2. I tried to book a hotel online yesterday but had computer problems. When I went on today, they happened to be having a "sale" and I saved over 50 bucks! Whooppee!
3. My son made a new friend up the street, which makes me happy, because he's happy.
See, nothing big. Little things. But sometimes these are the very things we miss, we take for granted, because we're too busy throwing a pity party for ourselves. My friend Lynda, who now has six children, always has a wise word to share. Several years ago she shared her testimony with our MOPS group, and talked about the concept of these small blessings. She told a story about going to a restaurant with her small children, having one quarter for a gumball in the machine, yet when her son put it in, two came out. A small thing, again, but it made her son's day, as he was able to share the other one with his brother. She also shared how she had specifically prayed for a CD player (these were the days before iPod) and her husband won one a few weeks later at his company party. These stories have stuck in my mind for years.
Sometimes these little things are bigger things, and sometimes they're just a gumball. Sometimes they're tangible, sometimes just a heartfelt hug that makes our day.
Maybe you already have a Happy Box, or want to start one. Go for it! If you're like me, a simple list in a Word Document works too! Or a pretty journal, where you can write your thoughts. Whatever your route, don't forget to remember the little things.
1. When I went into the new coffee shop down the street, I got a free panini sandwich because the owner was testing their new machine and wanted my opinion. It was my favorite, turkey swiss, was delicious, and best of all, FREE! Talk about being in the right place at the right time.
2. I tried to book a hotel online yesterday but had computer problems. When I went on today, they happened to be having a "sale" and I saved over 50 bucks! Whooppee!
3. My son made a new friend up the street, which makes me happy, because he's happy.
See, nothing big. Little things. But sometimes these are the very things we miss, we take for granted, because we're too busy throwing a pity party for ourselves. My friend Lynda, who now has six children, always has a wise word to share. Several years ago she shared her testimony with our MOPS group, and talked about the concept of these small blessings. She told a story about going to a restaurant with her small children, having one quarter for a gumball in the machine, yet when her son put it in, two came out. A small thing, again, but it made her son's day, as he was able to share the other one with his brother. She also shared how she had specifically prayed for a CD player (these were the days before iPod) and her husband won one a few weeks later at his company party. These stories have stuck in my mind for years.
Sometimes these little things are bigger things, and sometimes they're just a gumball. Sometimes they're tangible, sometimes just a heartfelt hug that makes our day.
Maybe you already have a Happy Box, or want to start one. Go for it! If you're like me, a simple list in a Word Document works too! Or a pretty journal, where you can write your thoughts. Whatever your route, don't forget to remember the little things.
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