By now, we’ve all read about Josh
Duggar and how TLC has pulled the show 19
Kids and Counting from the air. I’ve
read the blogs, articles and posts on all sides, and I am troubled by the whole
thing. Though not an avid fan of the show, I caught it a few times and actually
thought it was kind of cute. Okay, I
told myself. So these folks are a bit
quirky and definitely don’t raise their kids they way I would, but if they
choose to wear jean skirts, have a quiver full of kids and homeschool them all,
who am I to fault them? They can do what they want. They seemed a bit too “perfect”
on the outside, never arguing, the kids cheerfully doing their chores, obeying
without question. It did seem a bit fishy, and I wondered, with all those kids,
if it was possible to raise them all without anyone going astray. They are,
after all, only human.
I am certainly not one throwing
stones or cheering because the show has been pulled. I feel for the Duggars, I
really do. No one wants to be put in the limelight like this. I can imagine the
devastation, the humiliation as the tabloids go to print. Their bubble world
has been rocked, and now all eyes are on them. And though I don’t agree with
many of their conservative stances, I don’t think the Duggars are bad folks.
But I do think the way they handled their son’s abuse was terribly, terribly
wrong.
Let’s begin with the facts. Josh Duggar
molested several young girls. Allegedly, a few of those girls were his sisters,
one under the age of 5. Some have cried out in his defense, claiming this was
typical teenage boy stuff, a simple mistake, hormones gone awry, a repressed
kid who couldn’t control himself. But I
can assure you, this is more than that. Sexual abuse comes in many forms, but
it must be called out for what it is – abuse. It is not a mistake, an “oopsie”
or a thing to be brushed under the rug. It is real, it is bad, it is
pre-meditated. And its consequences are many. It is a big deal.
As a writer, I’ve written countless
stories about victims of sexual abuse. Many were abused by relatives – a grandfather,
an uncle, a brother. Some were abused by a neighbor they trusted. Still others
were abused by a member of the church – an elder, a pastor. In a few cases, the
abuser was the father who happened to be an elder. I’ll let that sink in for
you for a moment.
After speaking to these victims, I
can reiterate several common denominators. One, most thought it was somehow
their fault, that they had somehow initiated the abuse, even though this was
obviously not the case. Two, most were told to never tell anyone. Some were
threatened with physical punishment. Some were bribed. Three, many spent years NOT
telling anyone, keeping their dark, horrible, painful secret to themselves. I
can assure you this is the worst sort of pain, hiding a secret you are too afraid
to share. It eats at you, like a cancer, tearing your insides and outsides
apart. If not dealt with, this secret manifests itself in many ways. Statistics
show that victims of abuse who do not get proper therapy wind up acting out in
a variety of ways – sexual promiscuity, eating disorders, drugs, alcohol or
anything else they can grasp onto. These things are the result of pain not
dealt with. It always bleeds through, one way or another. Sexual abuse robs
victims of their innocence, leaves them confused, and worst of all, often
leaves them silenced. It is devastating on all levels.
Over the years, I’ve known several
friends who were victims of sexual abuse.
In my home town growing up, in the very churches I faithfully attended
each week, it happened too. Sadly, many victims did try to speak out to their
parents, friends or members of their church, but they were quietly shushed. Some
were accused of fabricating tales. A few were shamed, made to feel as if
somehow it was all their fault. They were made to believe that their abuse was
not a big deal. They were dismissed. They were not SEEN or HEARD.
And so they carried that bag of pain
for years, some acting out on it, some stuffing it away. But it did not go
away. Like the folks in the stories I written, the pain ate at them until it
became unbearable, ruining their marriages, their bodies, their hearts and
their lives. It nearly destroyed some of them.
After reading several conservative
blogs, I am appalled at some of the responses to the Duggar scandal. Many have
come to his defense, shaming TLC for pulling the plug on the show. Josh is sorry, they say. Now leave him alone and let him get on
with his life. He feels very bad about the whole thing. We’re making a really
big deal out of this, gleefully throwing stones because we were just waiting
for a family like that to screw up. We really should get over our prideful
selves and take a look in the mirror, because we are all sinners too.
Some of this may be true, but I
assure you – it is not enough. Josh’s abuse cannot be brushed under the rug. It
must be addressed. The fact the family waited so long to act, not telling
anyone, not going to the authorities, is extremely appalling. I have friends
who have had to turn their own children in to the authorities, and they can
assure you that it is the most heart wrenching pain a parent will ever endure.
But they did it, to protect others, because it was the RIGHT thing to do. The
LAWFUL thing. The MORAL thing.
I’m tired of stories like these. I’m
tired of flipping on the news, only to discover that yet another celebrity,
another pastor, another political figure, has taken victims of sexual abuse. My
heart breaks for it all – for the victims, for the injustice. I’m tired of
churches slapping folks on the wrist and letting them slide, turning the other
way, ignoring the pain, pretending it didn’t happen, shrugging it off,
minimizing the abuse. Most of all, I’m tired of victims not being seen. For I
believe that the most important thing in life is to be seen, for our stories to
be told. And if we cannot tell them, then what? If we must ache alone, if we
cannot trust the ones we love the most, if we cannot speak up, where do we go
from there?
Here’s what I wish. I wish that Josh
Duggar would get help – real, professional help, the help I suspect he has not
gotten because of his parents’ beliefs. Next, I wish his victims would get the
help they need as well – real, professional help, where they can pour out their
stories and be seen and heard. Next, I wish that no victim will be unseen or
unheard again. I wish, and pray, that they will be able to tell their stories,
bravely, even if their voices shake as they do. I wish that they will not feel
alone, that they will feel loved and surrounded and held. But above all, I wish
that someday, there would be no more stories to be told, because this sort of
abuse will come to an end. This may be the most far-fetched wish of all, but I
wish it all the same.
If you have been a victim of sexual
abuse, there is help. I know, because I know many folks who’ve gotten help. If
you’ve never told your story before, you can start now. It deserves to be
heard. Start by telling someone you trust. Talk to a professional. Check out
blogs like Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment (GRACE). You will find you are
not alone. You will start breathing a bit more easily. You will find life
again. And that bag of pain you’ve been carrying around will slowly come off.
There is hope on the other side. But it starts by being seen and heard.